Graham's True Stories
Number 20, The Queen
I'm not one for name-dropping, of course, but did I tell you about my recent correspondence with the Queen of England?
Feeling that she needed a distraction from her recent family problems, I wrote to HM at Buckingham Palace to ask what had happened to her grandmother's sewing machine.
The Royal family was given a machine each year around the turn of the 19th century by the Jones Company, which could thus proudly boast “By appointment to Queen Victoria, King Edward, King George, etc.” My clear thinking deduced that there was obviously a room set aside at Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle or one of the other four official residences kindly provided by the British taxpayer, where the machines were stored just waiting for a collector like me to clear away.
Just think what they would be worth. Jackie O's baubles would be cheap by comparison.
I was even mentally writing the advertisements: “Jones Family CS Model as used by HRH to run up the coronation gown” or “As-new Jones Model A, one careful Royal owner, some small tiara scratches”.
The reply took about two months, which disappointed me a little as I had contributed to the wedding costs for all her children and am soon to be hit in the pocket again for a couple more divorces.
And I know that you are going to find this difficult to believe, but the reply came not from the Queen herself but from “a lady in waiting”. I hesitated over ‘phoning HM and pointing out that I'd been the one doing the waiting but felt, on reflection, that a sense of humour was sadly lacking at Buck House.
The reply was less than satisfactory. It told me that a search of the contents of all Royal residences had been made without turning up a single sewing machine. However, it pointed out, that if I knew the inventory numbers for the machines, a more-thorough investigation might be made.
I can't help thinking I've been fobbed off a little here and now I'm going to defect. I've just remembered that, in 1885, peasants in a small Russian province presented Czarinna Romanoff with a jewel-encrusted sewing machine.
Working on the theory that this was rescued from the Winter Palace, it's probably knocking about the Kremlin somewhere being used as a door-stop.
Dear Commrade,
I'm wondering if, during your strolls around the Kremlin, you have happened to have noticed............
This one, I tell you, is going to work.